Father’s Mandate
As you think about your fathering, consider the role trust plays in your relationship with your kids. If your children cannot trust you, then childhood peers will shape their future more than you will. How can you build a trusting relationship with your son or daughter? It will not just happen, but there are some practical things you can do to aid the process. Here are eight relationship-building ideas to help you develop trusting relationships with your children.
Mandate One: Cultivate a Sense of Family Identity
If you want to build a trusting relationship with your children, start by cultivating attitudes that lead to a strong sense of family identity. Family identity is the mutual acceptance of who we are as a family. Family identity is based on trust, acceptance, and a growing loyalty between members. It is a significant factor in the life of every child, including your preteen. Even negative peer pressure is minimized when a solid family identity is established. . . Read More in Growing Kids God’s Way.
MandateTwo: Demonstrate an Ongoing Love for Your Wife
The marriage relationship is the stage upon which the performance of trust is acted out before your child’s watchful eyes. Make no mistake; your son or daughter is observing you closely. What he or she sees can have a tremendous impact, for the love and nurture you give your wife will help elevate your child’s level of trust in you. Children thrive on the demonstration of love between parents. They need to feel confident that Dad is tremendously in love with Mom. A father can be wonderfully involved with his children—hiking, fishing, skating, taking walks, and helping with homework—but still nullify the results of his efforts if he does not continually cultivate a love relationship with his wife. Loving your wife is a prerequisite to building trust with your children. Read More in Growing Kids God’s Way.
Mandate Three: Understand Your Child’s Private World
If you want to find out what is going on with your child, you need access to his or her inner private world. Every person lives in three worlds—public, personal, and private. The public world includes much of the time we spend away from home (e.g., work and social activities) and allows us to keep relationships at a safe distance. Our personal world includes time spent with friends and relatives. In such settings, we are more relaxed and vulnerable.
But it is within our private world that we can be bold one moment and fearful the next. We can feel overwhelmingly discouraged or gleefully sing songs from the heart. We can be anxious or at peace with life. It is a place of personal thoughts, big wishes, and hopeful dreams. Our private world is the most secret of all places. No one can visit our private world without an invitation, for our private world takes place on the inside. Children have a private world that is constantly changing and developing. Fathers need to be particularly sensitive to this world.
There is an interesting phenomenon with children we call the “open window” that is often missed by parents who are too busy. Read More in Growing Kids God’s Way.
Mandate Four: Give Your Child the Freedom to Fail
It is a crippling thing for a young creative mind not to have the freedom to fail in front of Dad. Reassure him or her that failure is acceptable, as long as he or she makes an honest effort. Your child needs to know that you view his or her failures as the first steps to success. As it is with so many experiences in life, it is better to try and fail than not to try at all.
A father’s wrong attitude toward failure can prevent his children from stretching themselves to their full potential. Imagine a child who is afraid to fail in front of his father because he senses Dad is not going to be pleased with him or fears that his father will not love him as much if he does not succeed. This child makes the status quo his standard. He will not develop the full range of talents and abilities given by the Lord. He would rather hold back, achieving only enough to get by, than face Dad’s lukewarm reaction or angry dissatisfaction if he fails. Each time such an interaction occurs, the relationship slips back another notch. Read More in Growing Kids God’s Way.
Mandate Five: Encourage Your Child
There is a big difference between an encouraging remark and an encouraging father. Real encouragement flows out of a relationship. It is more than a word now and then; it is your smile, expression, and very presence that communicate encouragement. Fathers need to be a source of encouragement because encouragement builds trust. Here are some practical activities for encouraging fathers.
Dad’s Little Notes
I often wonder how many young fathers wish their dads had written them just one note—something simple and encouraging. Something that ended in the three little words, “I love you.” It doesn’t take much effort to occasionally put a little note in your child’s lunch box. How much time does it take to write something like that? How much meaning can it have to your child? Read More in Growing Kids God’s Way.
Mandate Six: Guard Your Tongue and Your Tone
One day, twelve-year-old Barry came home from school with great news; the teacher had selected him to be first-chair trombone in his seventh-grade band class. That evening when his dad came home from work, Barry ran into the kitchen and shouted, “Guess what, Dad! I made first chair!” Overcome with enthusiasm, he let his imagination soar and cried out, “I’m going to be a musician when I grow up!”
The feelings this announcement evoked in his father ranged from shock to sincere concern regarding his child’s future. “Not if you want to make any money, you’re not,” he said sharply. Barry’s face fell. He hung his head and turned away. As his father watched him retreat from the living room, he realized he had made a grave error. His son had tried to share with him something that was of great importance to him. In his rush to protect his child, Dad had stolen the joy from his son’s heart. In that moment, Barry did not need an analytical assessment about his career aspirations; he needed to share his accomplishment. He wanted Dad to enter into his sense of excitement.
Consider these two guiding principles when responding to your child: 1) guard your tongue and your tone, and 2) learn to measure your response against the excitement on your child’s face. Read More in Growing Kids God’s Way.
Mandate Seven: Routinely Embrace Your Child
Within the family, a gentle hand, a tender hug, a pat on the back, and a goodnight kiss all communicate intimacy in a relationship. To hold and be held communicates vulnerability and closeness that is reserved for trusting members of a family. There is something very special about Dad’s arms. While Mom’s arms are comforting, Dad’s arms are secure.
Neither time, age, nor gender should limit a father’s touch. Our children are never too old to be kissed, hugged, or held—never! Holding your child does more than provide security. It meets special emotional needs that one day will be met by your child’s mate. For boys, a father’s routine hug and embrace confirms a son’s sense of masculine identity. Grandfathers and uncles also aid the process. For daughters, especially those beginning to blossom into womanhood (eleven to thirteen years of age), a father’s embrace is even more critical. Read More in Growing Kids God’s Way.
Mandate Eight: Build Trust on God’s Word
The need for trust in any relationship is basic. Trust starts and ends with God. Between those two points is the family. When a father takes the time to teach his children the discipline of trust, he creates within them a disposition for establishing lasting relationships as they grow older. At the same time, he is helping them recognize and enjoy the blessings of God.
What is the father’s mandate? To rightly reflect the truth of God, to develop a relationship of trust with his children based on that truth, and to communicate with his sons and daughters the biblical Life message flowing from the Love of God.
A father’s mandate is to be concerned first about the quantity and quality of trust his children have in him. We must not think in terms of time but of relationships.
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